On this date...

Today, we will go back in history and discuss influential important significant pretty regular events that took place on September 26 September 28 around this date in history (Official Editor's Note:  This probably would've been better if I would have done it on the exact date, but I've been busy, ok?  Get off my case)

We'll go chronologically.

On this date (September 28), in 1990...

...David Jeremiah Acton was born.

Fun Fact: Dave came out of the womb in a tux.

 Dave has been a champion from the very beginning, coming in first place in the "Most Beautiful Baby of 1990" award from Huntington hospital with a total of 78 votes, which was 78 votes over the next highest finishers.  Over 52 of the voters (Huntington hospital nurses) also claimed to have been hit on by the young Maestro, and 51 said that his wooing attempts were successful (the other seemed to be so overwhelmed by the beautiful baby's dreamy stare that she couldn't speak, so she couldn't technically answer the question).

29 nurses claimed that it was Dave's "angel-like" smile that won them over

Davman2890 passed through elementary school without attending a single class, preferring instead to smoke cigarettes on the playground with the 5th graders.  He was also undefeated in both four-square and capture the flag, generally intimidating the other players by his size before they would even attempt to beat him.  After being heavily recruited by most of the NBA, Dave took his talents to South Beach, leading the Miami Heat to the 2006 NBA championship under the pseudonym of "Shaquille O'Neal."  Due to gambling allegations, Dave was forced to hang up his sneakers after the season ended, at which point he returned to Strong Island to join the Huntington High School track team, where he won 3 state championships in the 4x100 meter relay, where he was the starter and anchor for the team (he also ran the second and third legs).  The combo of Acton, Acton, Acton, and Acton finished the New York State Championships with a time of 36.91 seconds.  Although this record (and the championship) was later revoked because a rule had been added that an individual runner could only run one leg of a relay.  Nonetheless, it is considered one of the New York State Public High School Athletic Association's greatest moments.  Acton was later disallowed from competing in the Olympics because the electronic timers used in Beijing were too slow to react to the Maestro's speed.  He was given an honorary gold medal.

Dave running the second leg of the NYSPHSAA State Championship

In the fall of 2008, the University of Notre Dame began recruiting Dave, who they considered to be their top academic prospect.  Because he had been a professional basketball player, Dave was ineligible to play any sports for the Irish, but this opened the door for President Father John Jenkins to offer him ten full ride scholarships, essentially giving him $1,800,000, as well as covering class fees, to attend Notre Dame.  Mr. Acton was also placed into Alumni Hall, where he serves as second in command to Father George Rozum.

Dave showing his joy after being named #1 recruit.  His much less important friend seems to be honored just to be in the same room as this great man.

Today, Dave splits his time between saving young squirrels and helping Aerospace Engineering students with their homework.

On this date (September 26), in 1994...

...Stuart Streit was born.

Stuart after distributing one of his legendary vanilla-smelling farts

Some say that Leonardo da Vinci was the Stuart Streit of his generation.  In his sixteen years of existence, Stuart has mastered the fields of academics, athletics, and music in ways unmatched by anyone in the history of the world (Research not needed.  Letters to Pilky staff is pretty sure about this one).

Stuart was named Pharoah of the Universe on September 27, 1994, a duty which he will carry to his death bed

Stuart was first noticed by the academic world when he received the first 4.0 ever achieved at Beginnings Montessori preschool, which had previously striven to treat all pupils equally.  Said Lorie Hyatt, the principal at Beginnings, "We could always tell that Stuart was the alpha male of the class.  He insisted that the only way that he would ever get accepted into MIT after graduation would be if he was given a 4.0, and when he started threatened us to a calculus competition for the transcript, we decided that it would be better to just give it to him than to be embarrassed and be forced to give it to him."  Stuart received an undergraduate degree in Computational and Systems Biology in the summer of 2000, after which he enrolled at South Elementary in Crystal Lake.  He was the valedictorian of the class of 2005, and filled the same role in 2008 at North Middle School.  His current class rank is undisclosed by Guidance Counselor Liz Arbir, but we're pretty sure that she just couldn't figure out what this confusing symbol meant: 1).

Stuart frequently has his clothing ripped off by adoring fans.  At this concert, it was the happy dude behind Stuart's bulging left bicep.

Stuart first entered the musical world with a resounding performance of "Jesus Loves Me" in the First Congregational Church's Melody Makers choir.  Since then, Stuart has mastered the piano and totally blows at the french horn (Get it?).  Some say that Beethoven has used the Stuman's work as inspiration for his symphonies, while Ben Folds routinely covers Stuart's songs for his albums and in concert.  Instead of using words to describe Stuart's musical talents, I believe that it would be more appropriate to use this song that Stuart wrote about himself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fppMDpe0W50

Stuart loads up to unleash a 107 mph fastball

Stuart's athletic career is considered by some to be his greatest personal accomplishment.  After leading Beginnings to three straight World Championships in football, basketball, baseball, and squash, he went on to lead both South and North to five and three more World Championships, respectively, in the same sports, although he decided to drop squash after the World Squash Federation was unable to create a rubber polymer that was able to withstand the power of Stuart's swings.  Upon entering high school, Stuart joined the cross country team, despite having a serious case of Severe Lack Of Whatever is Needed when Entertaining Serious Speed (You can take care of the acronym for yourself).  Coach Bill Eschman believes that Stuart's work ethic and tenacity more than make fun of his S.L.O.W.N.E.S.S.  Stuart also pitched for Team America in the 2010 RZ Dominica Elite tournament, being named El Mejor Lanzador (actually true).  He had to forfeit the award, however (not so true), when he failed to kiss the girl that RZ Dominica provided for such that purpose (kind of true).  Stuart is currently being heavily recruited by Theo Epstein of the Boston Red Sox to fill the role of both Assistant General Manager and replacing Jonathon Papelbon as the closer.

(Editor's note: The following material is extremely emotionally taxing, and is not recommended for those not sitting down, or those with weak stomachs, or for those not from Crystal Lake)

On this date (September 28), in 2008...

This guy

and this girl

fell in this

and the world is believed to have done this.

Things that are undervalued: Spontaneous Bro Time

Other than "the talk," bro time is the most important thing in a young man's life.  There are very few things more rewarding than hanging out with a bunch of dudes and discussing the very deep emotions that live inside of our hearts and souls.  Even better, though, is when this bro-ing (broing? browing?) happens without any premeditation.  This means that the only dudes that are there are those who want to be there, as opposed to these other species of dudes.

(Brief tangent):

The dude without any friends
This guy has nobody to go hang out with so he resorts to coming to hang out with you, mostly because you are either too nice to tell him to buzz off or because you and him are in the awkward range of semi-friends, where you really would never go out of your way to do anything with him, even if "out of your way" consisted of waiting 5 to 10 seconds for him to catch up, but you also don't dislike him.  Incredibly, this guy has no idea that you aren't close friends with him, making the whole situation even weirder.  This friendship purgatory is quite possibly the strangest situation that fits in the category of "human interactions," and therefore will take away from regular Bro Time.  This guy will rarely attend Spontaneous Bro Time because: A.  He will have been ditched by this point or B.  You'll finally get weirded out enough to tell him to leave.

The dude who would much rather be hanging out with his girlfriend
This guy is easily recognizable because of the phone that is seemingly glued to his hand.  He checks it every 2-2.7 seconds and often explains that his texts aren't being answered because of the "shitty service" inside the building.  This guy is closely related to the "guy who is way more into his girlfriend than she is to him."  He detracts from all bro-ing by constant use of his pissy face and by sending out negative vibes that kill even the most remote signs of joy.

The dude who wants to go to bed
This guy has the ability to be extremely sneaky in his desire to ruin Bro Time.  Because bedtime is generally a somewhat unplanned decision, he has the ability to drop the bed bomb even after contributing to the Bro Time.  He generally decides to do this just as the peak of Bro Time is being reached, totally ruining everything and immediately demoting him to the status of "the dude without any friends." 

(end of tangent)

Without any of these guys, Spontaneous Bro Time has a much higher potential for bonding than regular Bro Time.  Adding to this experience is the fact that Spontaneous Bro Time is often in close quarters, such as a bed or a quad bench.  Not only does this create a closed conversation that can keep out the aforementioned weenies, but it creates a situation where nobody feels bad about semi-cuddling together, which is, for some reason, frowned upon.  This setting allows for bro-love that spreads more rapidly than the flu virus in a kindergarten.


The reason that Spontaneous Bro Time is so underrated is that it can never be premeditated, or it would lose it's spontaneousness (I'm pretty sure that's a word).  On the other hand, this is the exact thing that makes it so incredible.  Spontaneous Bro Time is Bro Time that has reached the elite level, and if it were planned, it would be impossible to obtain.  Beauty comes from purity.  Spontaneous Bro Time is the most pure that love can be, and therefore, Spontaneous Bro Time, is the most beautiful thing in the world.

A lesson on being hated

Everybody should try to be hated by somebody.  Not really.  That was a joke.  However, being hated definitely is one of the biggest signs of respect that someone can achieve.  In order to be hated, you have to be really, really good at something.  Mediocre doesn't cut it, let alone terrible.

This is why nobody hates the Royals

Even the Cubs, who have a very "love 'em or hate 'em" fan base, aren't really all that hated.  People just enjoy making fun of them.  Similar to the nerdy kid in gym class, the Cubs are only a target because they have so many easy reasons to be picked on.

Actually a fairly successful Cubs play, as the ball stayed within the playing field.

You know you've reached the top when when everybody hates you.  Take Alex Rodriguez.  Major douchebag, quite possibly the biggest in the world (well, second after A.J. Pierzynski), but he's mostly hated because of his ability to hit the ball out of the ballpark.  Would people consider him such a douche if he wasn't so good?  Probably not.  He'd just be another annoying sports figure who wouldn't be worth the time or focus to hate.  In fact, the Yankees are an excellent example of this.  In the late '90s, early 2000s, hating the Yankees was the thing to do.  They won championships seemingly without lifting a finger, their fans were obnoxious, and their owner was a tool.  There were definitely more Yankee haters than fans of any other Major League team.  After the BoSox won the 2004 World Series though, the Yankee haters began to fall off the radar.  There were bigger fish to fry, and until the past year or two, nobody really gave much thought either way to the Yankees.  Similar story with the Red Sox and the Patriots - used to be underdog sweethearts, became perennial champs/serious contenders, became hated, started to fall off the map.

This doesn't apply just to sports, either.  The Dave Matthews Band definitely has as strong of a hatred following as a fan following, mostly because Matthews has a horrible voice, but also because their fans think they're good enough to annoy the rest of the world into hatred.  (Sidenote: Dave Matthews has a bad voice and great songwriting.  Jack Johnson has an awesome voice and boring songwriting.  Why have they not made a joint album?)  Why do some foreigners hate America?  Because we have a gazillion opportunities that these other places could never dream of having.  Why do people hate good schools?  Because they are the best at what they do. 

This man has a terrible voice

Being the best is never the only reason for hatred, but it is almost, or as, high as the other reasons.  The reason that a lot fewer people hate Chris Bosh than hate LeBron James is because Bosh is a middle of the pack big man in the NBA, and not a for sure All-Star talent.  Will he have a good year playing third fiddle to Wade and James?  Yes.  But he won't ever be the best big man in the league, let alone one of the best players.  James is the best statistical basketball player in the world.  Whether or not he's proven himself in the NBA (and I still think he hasn't), he has the most talent in the league, which is why so many people are so upset with him.  Yes he was a douche about the LeBronathon, and yes he deserted Cleveland, but nobody burned Chris Bosh jerseys in Toronto.  When Carmelo Anthony eventually gets traded, Denver will be bummed, but I don't think the level of hatred they have for him will be equal to the amount that Cleveland/America/western culture has for James.

The forgotten chapter

You have to do something stupid to be hated.  You have to be a tool to some extent, but unless you're the best, nobody will care.  A lot fewer people hate Terrell Owens than they did before he started sucking.  A lot more people hated Brett Favre when he was dominating in Minnesota than when he was mediocre with the Jets. 

You know you're big time when you have a hate following.  Martin Luther King Jr, Nelson Mandela, Napoleon, even Stalin.  They all posed huge threats.  They all were incredibly good at what they did, and they were all ballsy enough to be willing to piss people off in order to accomplish what they wanted.  People hate others who they think pose a major threat.  The people who can pose the most major threats are the greatest at whatever it is they do.  Therefore, we can only conclude that you will only truly be the best once you are the most hated.

ADDENDUM:
As young Stuart Streit has pointed out, the absolute best are those that are too good and too respected to be hated (Derek Jeter, Wayne Gretzky, Jim Thome).  Unfortunately, this runs pretty much everything to shit, so just pretend you didn't read this.

Color Commentators

 I love watching football mostly because of the concentrated activity.  I only have to pay attention for ten seconds at a time every forty seconds, so it's very easy to focus on every play, which is different from basketball or hockey, where turning my head for a second could cost me the chance to see a major play.  Also, because of the long breaks between plays, they can show two or three replays of every down, so not only do I not have to miss any live action, but I can actually get sick of seeing a play over and over by the time it's done.  This should be cool, but color commentators make sure that I have absolutely no chance to enjoy it at all.  Before I start with examples though, a few ground rules need to be laid out.

1.  All play-by-play guys should have semi-nasal, 1940s radio-esque voices.
2.  All play-by-play guys should be named Chip
3.  We'll assume our color man is named Tim, in honor of broadcasting legend Tim McCarver

 Anyway, example number one of why color commentators are awful:

Chip:  "Vick drops back, checks left, looks right.  He has Jackson on a post across the middle...Jackson dives!..He caught it, wait, maybe not, he landed on top of the ball and it looks like it might have been a trap." (Very clear, all essential information covered)
Tim:  "Ya know Chip, that ball was a little overthrown because the coverage was coming from behind Jackson.  Vick just led him a little too far, forcing the dive." (Actually fairly intelligent)
[First TV replay]
Chip:  "Here's another look"
Tim:  "The real question is whether or not it hit the ground or not, because if the ball hit the ground, it's incomplete."
Viewers:  "No shit, Tim."
Chip:  "...(awkward silence as he tries to process the wisdom just bestowed on him)..."
[Challenge flag thrown]
Tim:  "On the other hand, if the ball didn't hit the ground, they'll probably keep the call on the field, which was a catch."
Chip:  (thinking) "Getting paid to watch NFL games sounded a lot sweeter before I met this guy"
Chip:  (announcing) "...Yup..."
Viewers:  "Watching NFL games sounded a lot sweeter before I met this guy."
Ref:  "After reviewing the play, the call on the field is overturned.  The ball hit the ground and is an incomplete pass.  Second down."
Tim:  "That was incomplete because the ball hit the ground (uses telestrator to circle ball and draw line on ground), and in football, if the ball hits the ground, it's incomplete."
Chip:  (thinking) "Screw this"
Viewers:  "Screw this"
Tim:  "I'm a genius, this entire audience would be lost without me"

Sometimes, the NFL even goes to two color commentators and a play-by-play guy, which results with the brilliantly insightful formula of:  Play-by-play man calls play, color guy 1 reacts to play, color guy 2 reacts to reaction, play-by-play guy tries to figure out what those two guys just said and try to re-word it in a way that makes them not sound like complete idiots.  This isn't fun for anybody.  That's why I propose the two following options:

1.  The Ron Santo model

 "They would've had him if he would've held onto it.  The ball though, he didn't hang onto it.  That was the problem" - Ron Santo, June 20, 2010.  Cubs vs. LAA

Ron Santo is the greatest color commentator in the history of broadcasting, mostly because he doesn't even try to be insightful, whether or not he's actually trying.  Take into account that he's a radio guy, so he has to be a little bit more descriptive of obvious things because the audience can't see it.  Let's look at the tape.  Ron Santo is just a fan.  That's it.  That's why he has such a great following.  Everybody can connect with him.  When the Cubs lose, Ron loses too, and you know when you're banging your head against the steering wheel that you have somebody in the world who truly understands you.  Take this, for instance.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6b2Ll7m02U 
Ron Santo isn't a genius.  Or a wannabe genius.  In fact, there are very few times when I even consider that Ron Santo might have a brain, but there's nobody that better complements his play-by-play man (kudos to Pat Hughes for putting up with him) than Ron Santo.  This works very well for "homer" broadcasts, where it's very clearly the Packers radio or TV station, or the Jets, or the Chargers, and the station doesn't have to worry about not being biased.  I only wish that Pat and Ron announced Packers games during the Favre years.



Pat:  "Favre out of the shotgun, drops back, nobody open, four defenders on Antonio Freeman down the left sideline.  Favre with the ball, rolling right, Freeman trips over his shoelace, still in quadruple coverage.  Favre does a Derek Jeter jump throw!  He tries to hit Freeman, who is still face-down on the tundra..."
Ron:  "AAHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEHHHHHHHHHHHH.  OH NO!!!!!"
Viewers:  "AAHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEHHHHHHHHHHHH.  OH NO!!!!!"
Pat:  "It's picked off!  And that will be returned by the defense for an uncontested touchdown."
Ron:  "OHHHHHHHHHH.  UGH.  Oh darnit."


There is no way that could possibly go wrong.  Just saying.  For a non-biased broadcast though, it would get even better.


2.  The Die-Hard Ex-Player Model


Basically the Ron Santo model on steroids, the DE-PM is a combination of not one, but two players who wants nothing more than for their ex-team to win the Super Bowl Big Game Last Game of the Season every single year.  For instance:

 Chip:  "Vick drops back, checks left, looks right.  He has Jackson on a post across the middle...Jackson dives!..He caught it, wait, maybe not, he landed on top of the ball and it looks like it might have been a trap."
Die-Hard Ex-Eagles Player:  "I'm pretty sure he caught it, Chip."
Die-Hard Ex-Steelers Player:  "No way.  Not a chance.  Trapped it for sure."
Ex-Eagles Player:  "You idiot.  What play are you looking at?  That should have been pass interference too.  Polomalu's a dirty player."
Ex-Steelers Player:  "I'm looking at the right fucking play, you jackass."
(Sound of chairs being pushed back)
Chip:  *Screams*
(Sound of punches being thrown)
(Sound of Chip jumping out of the press box)
(More punches)
Ref:  "After reviewing the play, the call on the field is overturned.  The ball hit the ground and is an incomplete pass.  Second down."
(Sound of color guys getting up, dusting themselves off)
Ex-Steelers Player:  "Told you so."
Ex-Eagles Player:  "Asshole.  And Polamalu needs a haircut."
Ex-Steelers Player:  "I have to agree with you on that, you dick.  Hair should never be longer than Johnny Unitas' crew cut"
[Cameras cut to both ex-players nodding knowingly.  One has a black eye, the other has a bloody nose.  Play resumes]

Who wouldn't want to watch this?  It should at least be an option for the viewers.  If I can choose between hearing the broadcast in English, Spanish, Swahili, Bulgarian, or that African clicking language, I should be able to hear it in Santo.  Or double Santo.

A lesson on dressing up

Growing up, I always was very self-conscious of the level of dressiness I should use in various situations.  One never wants to be under-dressed, but at the same time, you can't be too over-dressed.  This leaves a very narrow window to aim at, and if you miss it, you look like a total fool.  Obviously there are pretty standard situations (t-shirts to school, polos and sweaters to church, nude in the shower), but in other situations it gets a little iffy.  For instance, what does semi-formal mean?  When somebody says, "I'd wear a shirt and tie," does that mean you wear a shirt and tie, or is that code for "If you don't wear a suit you'll get laughed out of the building."  Fear no more, Young William.

Rules of Attire:

1.  A full suit is never a bad option, especially when nobody else is wearing one.
"But Will, won't you look like an idiot?"  Not at all.  The key to rocking a suit is to act like there's no reason you shouldn't be wearing one.  People will most likely give you 3 or 4 (or 5 or 6 or 7...) judgmental looks that basically say, "this man is a tool," to which the proper response is by giving them a look that says "Did you not give the suit memo?"  This will: A. Make them feel self-conscious, B. Make them wonder if they should be wearing a suit, and C. Have to admit (at least mentally) that you are one suave looking dude.  The key to high fashion sense is to look just out of place enough where people are afraid to say something because they're afraid that they simply haven't picked up the latest trend.  Is wearing a suit to a pool party considered good form?  Probably not, but they won't say anything just in case it is. 

This man looks ridiculous, but nobody will ever mention it, because what if we're all wrong and there are supposed to be butterfly collars on vests?

2.  Nudity is never a bad option
Just kidding.  But not really.  But kind of.

3.  Bright colors are the best
Personal preference of course, but seriously, looking bold just screams "I'm a badass."  Bright colors stand out the most in a crowd, which is important, because if you don't stand out, it really doesn't matter how good you look.  Take camo for instance: extremely cool, but if nobody can see it, does it really matter...? (bad example).  Also, I have nothing backing me up on this, but I'm fairly certain that girls like dudes who are willing to take risks, like wearing bright shirts.  Therefore, if you wear bright shirts, they'll automatically assume that you'll step in front of a bus for them (don't do that) (unless you actually like the girl or the bus is moving super slow, in which case, go for it). 

4.  Always match your eye color
Proven fact, people look up to 39.228 times better when their shirt matches their eye color. 

Especially if your eyes look this good.

5.  When it doubt, WWJDD

What Would John Daly Do?

"Hello Everybody" - Louis Nix

Dear Will 2010,

Blogs are for self-centered assholes who think the world should accept their opinions and only their opinions.  Whatever you do, avoid them altogether, and especially don't write one.  That would be the worst.  You shouldn't be wasting your time on that stuff.  Remember your goals:

1.  Play second base and bat in the 2-hole for the Indians (after at least one season/national championship for Carolina basketball)
2.  Marry Topenga from Boy Meets World
3.  Build a golf course in our backyard

Don't let anything stop you.  Including* blogs.

Much love,
Will 1991-2009


*By "including" I mean: "Especially stupid as hell"


Dear Will 1991-2009,

Dually noted.  I'm playing hard to get with Topenga ("Treat them like dirt, they'll stick like mud" - Michael), so I'm pretty sure that's under control.  At this point, I bet that the Tribe will take just about anybody to play second base, so the fact that you've played catch in the past two weeks will look really good in Spring Training.  You're set.  The championship for the Heels is looking questionable, but I still have all my eligibility, so we just have to make a mental note to Will 2013 that he should apply to some grad programs or something.  Once again, should be set.

1.  Play second base and bat in the 2-hole for the Indians (after at least one season/national championship for Carolina basketball)
2.  Marry Topenga from Boy Meets World
3.  Build a golf course in our backyard

I'll look into the golf course.  Or at least a replica of Sawgrass #17.  I'll get back to you.  Anyway, I'm coming to realize that since you're in the past, you really won't ever know about this blog.  So we're good there, right?  Cool.

I miss you.

Love,
Will 2010