1. All play-by-play guys should have semi-nasal, 1940s radio-esque voices.
2. All play-by-play guys should be named Chip
3. We'll assume our color man is named Tim, in honor of broadcasting legend Tim McCarver
Anyway, example number one of why color commentators are awful:
Chip: "Vick drops back, checks left, looks right. He has Jackson on a post across the middle...Jackson dives!..He caught it, wait, maybe not, he landed on top of the ball and it looks like it might have been a trap." (Very clear, all essential information covered)
Tim: "Ya know Chip, that ball was a little overthrown because the coverage was coming from behind Jackson. Vick just led him a little too far, forcing the dive." (Actually fairly intelligent)
[First TV replay]
Chip: "Here's another look"
Tim: "The real question is whether or not it hit the ground or not, because if the ball hit the ground, it's incomplete."
Viewers: "No shit, Tim."
Chip: "...(awkward silence as he tries to process the wisdom just bestowed on him)..."
[Challenge flag thrown]
Tim: "On the other hand, if the ball didn't hit the ground, they'll probably keep the call on the field, which was a catch."
Chip: (thinking) "Getting paid to watch NFL games sounded a lot sweeter before I met this guy"
Chip: (announcing) "...Yup..."
Viewers: "Watching NFL games sounded a lot sweeter before I met this guy."
Ref: "After reviewing the play, the call on the field is overturned. The ball hit the ground and is an incomplete pass. Second down."
Tim: "That was incomplete because the ball hit the ground (uses telestrator to circle ball and draw line on ground), and in football, if the ball hits the ground, it's incomplete."
Chip: (thinking) "Screw this"
Viewers: "Screw this"
Tim: "I'm a genius, this entire audience would be lost without me"
Sometimes, the NFL even goes to two color commentators and a play-by-play guy, which results with the brilliantly insightful formula of: Play-by-play man calls play, color guy 1 reacts to play, color guy 2 reacts to reaction, play-by-play guy tries to figure out what those two guys just said and try to re-word it in a way that makes them not sound like complete idiots. This isn't fun for anybody. That's why I propose the two following options:
1. The Ron Santo model
"They would've had him if he would've held onto it. The ball though, he didn't hang onto it. That was the problem" - Ron Santo, June 20, 2010. Cubs vs. LAA
Ron Santo is the greatest color commentator in the history of broadcasting, mostly because he doesn't even try to be insightful, whether or not he's actually trying. Take into account that he's a radio guy, so he has to be a little bit more descriptive of obvious things because the audience can't see it. Let's look at the tape. Ron Santo is just a fan. That's it. That's why he has such a great following. Everybody can connect with him. When the Cubs lose, Ron loses too, and you know when you're banging your head against the steering wheel that you have somebody in the world who truly understands you. Take this, for instance.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6b2Ll7m02U
Ron Santo isn't a genius. Or a wannabe genius. In fact, there are very few times when I even consider that Ron Santo might have a brain, but there's nobody that better complements his play-by-play man (kudos to Pat Hughes for putting up with him) than Ron Santo. This works very well for "homer" broadcasts, where it's very clearly the Packers radio or TV station, or the Jets, or the Chargers, and the station doesn't have to worry about not being biased. I only wish that Pat and Ron announced Packers games during the Favre years.
Pat: "Favre out of the shotgun, drops back, nobody open, four defenders on Antonio Freeman down the left sideline. Favre with the ball, rolling right, Freeman trips over his shoelace, still in quadruple coverage. Favre does a Derek Jeter jump throw! He tries to hit Freeman, who is still face-down on the tundra..."
Ron: "AAHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEHHHHHHHHHHHH. OH NO!!!!!"
Viewers: "AAHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEHHHHHHHHHHHH. OH NO!!!!!"
Pat: "It's picked off! And that will be returned by the defense for an uncontested touchdown."
Ron: "OHHHHHHHHHH. UGH. Oh darnit."
There is no way that could possibly go wrong. Just saying. For a non-biased broadcast though, it would get even better.
2. The Die-Hard Ex-Player Model
Basically the Ron Santo model on steroids, the DE-PM is a combination of not one, but two players who wants nothing more than for their ex-team to win the
Chip: "Vick drops back, checks left, looks right. He has Jackson on a post across the middle...Jackson dives!..He caught it, wait, maybe not, he landed on top of the ball and it looks like it might have been a trap."
Die-Hard Ex-Eagles Player: "I'm pretty sure he caught it, Chip."
Die-Hard Ex-Steelers Player: "No way. Not a chance. Trapped it for sure."
Ex-Eagles Player: "You idiot. What play are you looking at? That should have been pass interference too. Polomalu's a dirty player."
Ex-Steelers Player: "I'm looking at the right fucking play, you jackass."
(Sound of chairs being pushed back)
Chip: *Screams*
(Sound of punches being thrown)
(Sound of Chip jumping out of the press box)
(More punches)
Ref: "After reviewing the play, the call on the field is overturned. The ball hit the ground and is an incomplete pass. Second down."
(Sound of color guys getting up, dusting themselves off)
Ex-Steelers Player: "Told you so."
Ex-Eagles Player: "Asshole. And Polamalu needs a haircut."
Ex-Steelers Player: "I have to agree with you on that, you dick. Hair should never be longer than Johnny Unitas' crew cut"
[Cameras cut to both ex-players nodding knowingly. One has a black eye, the other has a bloody nose. Play resumes]
Who wouldn't want to watch this? It should at least be an option for the viewers. If I can choose between hearing the broadcast in English, Spanish, Swahili, Bulgarian, or that African clicking language, I should be able to hear it in Santo. Or double Santo.
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