Bros

A few weeks ago we discussed spontaneous bro time and it's many benefits, and in doing so, we talked about a number of bros that would be kept out of this type of bro time.  Now it's time to discuss all the dudes in any true bro group.  Keep in mind that while most people fall into at least one category, the truly talented are able to fall into multiple categories.

The bro that everyone pretends to hate
This is the guy who is the target of 94% of jokes, whether or not they are true, based off of the truth, or even remotely related to something that might have come close to being true, and 72% of the beatings, whether or not they are deserved.  This guy serves the vital purpose of raising the self-esteem of everybody else in the group, mostly because they're all thankful they aren't this guy, but also in the "I'm pissed off so I'm going to go home and kick the dog" sense, where, this bro is obviously the dog.  Ironically, this guy is often the best liked in the group do to his willingness to forgive.  If he wasn't willing to forgive people, he obviously wouldn't be friends with the rest of these assholes, so they all appreciate his kindness, and therefore like him the most.

The bro who doesn't understand that nobody likes him
This guy is everybody's best friend.  Except, well, he's not.  It's not that he's totally hopeless in the hunt for appreciation: he could probably find his own group of friends who shared his weird nature, but that's really not what he's looking for.  Instead, he seemingly decides to make his sole mission to ruin every bro session that you have through his awkward comments and overall presence.  The problem is not only that he doesn't realize how weird he is, but that he actually thinks that everybody else thinks he's the greatest thing since natty ice.  After every stupid thing he does he looks around for approval and high fives, and, when he sees nothing, assumes that everyone is so stunned by his brilliance that they forgot to congratulate him.  Totally understandable.  Unfortunately, one of the dudes in your group has some connection (roommate, family friend, girlfriend's roommate's boyfriend) that makes it impossible for anybody to totally go nuts on this guy, making him a permanent member of the group.

The guy who thinks he's the alpha bro
Although everybody knows that the leader of the group varies day to day, this guy is pretty sure that it doesn't.  He's very good at taking credit for things that were group decisions the minute that everybody else forgets what actually happens, so there's no way to call him out on anything.  He's also very good at suggesting ideas that have already been decided on by the consensus so that he can take credit for them later.  Oftentimes, this "alpha bro" is also found in shady situations due to his incredible ability to talk a huge game and attempt to back it up, which turns out to be impossible.  Good news though, the "alpha bro" knows that he doesn't do any of this stuff.  He just leads the little sheep-bros who understand that he is the smartest/most attractive/best bro in the world.

The one-upper bro
Sample conversation:

Bro 1: That girl was totally digging me last night
Bro 2: Those three girls were totally digging me last night
Bro 1: I'm pretty sure I got an A on that test
Bro 2: I'm positive I didn't miss an answer and if I did then the key is probably wrong
Bro 1: I've been to a Packers game
Bro 2: I totally know all of the Packers players personally

This guy can be totally normal in every other regard, but don't ever, EVER, try to compare personal accomplishments or you'll be stuck in a state of disbelief and amazement at his determination/stupidity.

The bro who isn't funny
While this often is somewhat of a rotating role among all bros depending on who is on or off on a certain night, there's always the one guy who can never quite figure it out.  Telltale lines include: "All my other friends think I'm funny" and "I don't get why you guys never laugh at my jokes."  At first, everybody wants to believe him, and some even try to laugh, but it's really hard due to the extremely low quality of this guy's sense of humor.  Eventually, however, he does get laughs, mostly because everyone else is laughing at the ridiculous way that he laughs at his own jokes, but this bro will take what he can get.

The bro who thinks he's on par with all the other bros in their specific skill sets
This guy knows, and acknowledges that he's not as good as the rest of his friends in any of their skill sets, but "I mean, I'm pretty good."  Rough translation:  "I once met somebody who had once talked to another guy who was decent at that, so I bet I could pick it up pretty quickly."  This guy is often very good at nothing, pretty good at one thing, and below average at just about everything else, but "I'm off today."  This is the guy playing pickup basketball who airballs fourteen straight 3s, banks one in off of the ceiling, and then says, "Watch out, now I'm hot."  In pure hangout situations this guy is great to have around, but once the dudes leave for activities, it's best to give this man wrong directions.

The "You wouldn't know" bro
This guy has lived a remarkable life.  Just ask him.  He'll tell you all about it.  Wait, I've done all of that stuff plus stuff that's so much cooler.  Why am I listening to this guy.  Maybe I'll point out that this stuff isn't as important as he says it is, and is actually pretty average, everyday stuff.  "Dude, I've done that too."
"Yea, but it wasn't the same.  You weren't there.  You wouldn't know.  It was incredible."
"Dude, you just talked about the burger you got from Five Guys.  I've enjoyed many a burger there myself."
"Yea, but this one (brief, unrelated sidenote: I just typed "wan" when trying to spell "one."  I feel stupid) was different"
"Oh.  Ok.  Cool."
This man is also undefeated in all video games because he turns off the console right before the clock runs out because "that obviously was a horrible call.  I deserve a re-do."

The bro you will never, ever trust with anything
This guy is an idiot, totally irresponsible, has no common sense, and is your best friend.  You'll back him up til the day you die but "no way can you borrow five bucks.  Not only will you never pay me back, there's a very good chance that you'll lose it before you can even spend it."  No hard feelings though.  This bro often understands his lack of trustworthiness, apologizes for even thinking about asking you for something and therefore jeopardizing your possessions, and immediately resumes the awesome conversation you were having beforehand.

The Wingbro
A good wingman will talk to a girl's friend for you, but a true wingbro will find out her likes and dislikes, hometown, favorite flavor of ice cream, and lucky number within a matter of seconds, making it incredibly easy for you to mack on her friend.  Like Goose, the first wingbro, this man will sacrifice the rest of his night so that you can enjoy yours.  Although not every group has a utility wingbro, bro twosomes understand that whoever finds a girl first deserves the good night, and his friend will immediately take care of business.  Studies have shown that groups of dudes with a top-notch wingbro are up to 2045 times happier than ones without wingbros.

The role model bro
Often soft spoken, this guy has just about everything going for him.  Nobody will ever admit it, but everybody secretly wants to be just like this guy.  He works the ladies, is a top-notch athlete, gets good grades with minimal work, is loved by parents, and is always able to avoid hangovers.  The worst part is that he's not even a jerk about it.  We literally have no reason to dislike him.  We should be jealous of this type of person, but we're not even mad... We're impressed!  We all do little things that this guy does in an attempt to become more like him, and even though they never work, we still try more and more just because we feel like our lives would be so much better if we could just be more like this guy.

The life of the party bro
Without this guy, weekends would suck.  His mediocre dance moves, occasional destruction of personal property, and choices of music make parties more than parties - they become events.  Sure there will be some people who will be turned off by this, but who wants weenies like them at your party anyway?  Who invited them?  Probably the bro you can never trust anything with or the bro that nobody likes, but the life of the party bro is able to come through and send them packing, leaving everybody else having an excellent time.

The ladies' bro
This guy is amazing.  He's no different from you except for the fact that he practices his smile in front of the mirror and has much bigger cajones than you do.  He is afraid of no female, and unlike the life of the party bro, actually reels them in instead of kicking them out.  Nobody really even knows what he's saying when he's whispering sweet nothings in the prettiest girl in the room's ear, and nobody bothers asking afterward either because they know that they couldn't pull it off.  He is a normal dude by day, but once he decides to work his magic, it's pretty much game over.  Nobody can resist him.

The female bro (The bra)
The bra is a rare species of woman that seems to actually be a dude in disguise.  She's funny, doesn't get grossed out by fart jokes or smelly rooms, and actually likes all of your guy friends.  Previously thought to be an urban legend, the number of reported bras in the world have increased exponentially over the last 24 years.  This girl is also the only one that is able to resist the ladies bro, although she becomes his main target simply for the thrill of the hunt.  The best part about the bra, though, is that she assumes a mom status, which every group of bros needs.  She reminds people to bathe and clean their rooms, and sometimes even bakes cookies.  For these reasons, the bra is automatically the most important member of the bro group, even if she doesn't come around very often.

These may or may not be based off of people that the Letters to Pilky staff has met in real life.  Feel free to send in suggestions for future bro categories to letterstopilky@gmail.com